the fact that i actually love you,i want to stich the patch back between us.
ill love to know hows your day and how your doing EVERYDAY
ill love to talk to you till the next morning sunrise
ill love to wish you goodnight everyday before i go to sleep
ill love to hear you play and think why am i in love with you.
the fact that i actually love you,i just want you.
but, theres something...
do you love me too ?
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
dieded.
RIP
HELYNA SIEW SZE CHIE
1993 - 2009
Beloved daughter,sister,friend,bestfriend.
dead and gone.
Murder he wrote to me,
thats howi got murdered.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
i know it
i know it till the very first day you were planing to buy
you know i was not happy.i wasnt happy
i was never interested to go there.i never wanna have a look at it
and i never ever wanted to stay here at all.
you know ive said before, and you wanted to slap me for sayingthat
well, look now. what have i become ?
every person have this feeling like "this is gonna go bad"
and i really did. just look at me now.
eversince we shifted, i was fucking depress. i was never happy at home
that explains why im always not home. i love running away from my problems.
im not strong enough to face it. no one is there to help me anyway.
weve been here got like, 5 months and the times ive tried suicidin was like, 3 times.
how long more i can stay like this...i cannot take it anymore.
you always know whats going onn.why ? "because ive been in your age before"
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGE. don take my generation and yours together,tellng me its the same
its nothing same. people change. everything change.
if its the same, there wont be people facing financial prob,
there wont be news of people killing and everything like now.
things change mom, things really have change.
don blame my friends foranything. blame yourself and me,not my friends.
if you think that stopping me from doing stuffs i like would solve everything,
it wouldnt. im dying more inside.i wanna die. i don wanna suffer cutting myself overover again
i need a mom,who is there for me. not a mom who tries and nothing is changing.
i dont know what im talking
screw everything.
thanks
i know it till the very first day you were planing to buy
you know i was not happy.i wasnt happy
i was never interested to go there.i never wanna have a look at it
and i never ever wanted to stay here at all.
you know ive said before, and you wanted to slap me for sayingthat
well, look now. what have i become ?
every person have this feeling like "this is gonna go bad"
and i really did. just look at me now.
eversince we shifted, i was fucking depress. i was never happy at home
that explains why im always not home. i love running away from my problems.
im not strong enough to face it. no one is there to help me anyway.
weve been here got like, 5 months and the times ive tried suicidin was like, 3 times.
how long more i can stay like this...i cannot take it anymore.
you always know whats going onn.why ? "because ive been in your age before"
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGE. don take my generation and yours together,tellng me its the same
its nothing same. people change. everything change.
if its the same, there wont be people facing financial prob,
there wont be news of people killing and everything like now.
things change mom, things really have change.
don blame my friends foranything. blame yourself and me,not my friends.
if you think that stopping me from doing stuffs i like would solve everything,
it wouldnt. im dying more inside.i wanna die. i don wanna suffer cutting myself overover again
i need a mom,who is there for me. not a mom who tries and nothing is changing.
i dont know what im talking
screw everything.
thanks
Sunday, May 10, 2009
i got a F in life. oh wow.
i dont know.
i keep to many things in my heart and i never share it with anyone
that should explaine how many scars are there on my hand.
i was too hurt till i had nobody to pour it too, but myself..
say it, you know it.
i know it too. im stupid, im dumb,im everything in this world thats makes a lving hell
but i had no choice,i cant think right. infact, i never think at all.
im a failure as a child,im a failure as a student,im a failure in everything.
im a failure in LIFE.
what am i suppose to do now ? should i just end my life or not.
ill definately will end life.i dont wanna suffer through this pain anymore.
it just hurt, always crying myself to sleep.
i dont know what else to say.
all i know is i can say that im sorry,if im not forgiven,just bloody take my life away.
i tried whatever i can. but i never succeded.
theres no one helping me at all.no one giving me confidence to go.
all i ever did was, good. i failed.
and whenever that happns, everyone thinks im happy with it or whatsoever
but,im not. i feel......myself.
i tried hard but....is there anyone there ?
you know who am i,what am i
but never a person is helpng me. even there is, they give up easy
how can i stand even longer ? your not in my shoe.
i understand how people feel, but nobody ever did to me.
i dont know what else more to say.
im freakingly hurt mentally. physically aint obvious.
OMG I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING.i should just choke and die laughing at myself.
i need someone to be there. someone who i really trust.
i never trusted anyone at all. i only trust myself and thats how myself is now.
im going tru depressions and also suicidal and i look happy outside.
thinking why life is so unfair. life never is.
don take me to god cause i don believe in him\her.
i just wan life to be back like before. when i had a happy life,i never go tru depressions
but, i guess thats not gonna happen.is it ?
i had enough of this shit.
ohwell goodbye.
i keep to many things in my heart and i never share it with anyone
that should explaine how many scars are there on my hand.
i was too hurt till i had nobody to pour it too, but myself..
say it, you know it.
i know it too. im stupid, im dumb,im everything in this world thats makes a lving hell
but i had no choice,i cant think right. infact, i never think at all.
im a failure as a child,im a failure as a student,im a failure in everything.
im a failure in LIFE.
what am i suppose to do now ? should i just end my life or not.
ill definately will end life.i dont wanna suffer through this pain anymore.
it just hurt, always crying myself to sleep.
i dont know what else to say.
all i know is i can say that im sorry,if im not forgiven,just bloody take my life away.
i tried whatever i can. but i never succeded.
theres no one helping me at all.no one giving me confidence to go.
all i ever did was, good. i failed.
and whenever that happns, everyone thinks im happy with it or whatsoever
but,im not. i feel......myself.
i tried hard but....is there anyone there ?
you know who am i,what am i
but never a person is helpng me. even there is, they give up easy
how can i stand even longer ? your not in my shoe.
i understand how people feel, but nobody ever did to me.
i dont know what else more to say.
im freakingly hurt mentally. physically aint obvious.
OMG I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING.i should just choke and die laughing at myself.
i need someone to be there. someone who i really trust.
i never trusted anyone at all. i only trust myself and thats how myself is now.
im going tru depressions and also suicidal and i look happy outside.
thinking why life is so unfair. life never is.
don take me to god cause i don believe in him\her.
i just wan life to be back like before. when i had a happy life,i never go tru depressions
but, i guess thats not gonna happen.is it ?
i had enough of this shit.
ohwell goodbye.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
STOPPING.
should i quit gaming ? msn ? wottheheck. quit going online.
i miss the way how you guys already come running to me when you see me on,
its like you really meant it. but now ? nothing.hmm.
maybe i shouldnt go online to often aready.
QUIT OR NOTTTTT....
i miss the way how you guys already come running to me when you see me on,
its like you really meant it. but now ? nothing.hmm.
maybe i shouldnt go online to often aready.
QUIT OR NOTTTTT....
bestfriend
ive known you long, but theres something i want you to know.
i never trusted you. never !
and i feel... hopeless being your bstfriend.
you trust me with all yourlife but i never trusted you.
not after of what youve said to people.
stuffs i don feel like letting others know.
sometimes i wonder whats going on in your mind.
are you dumb or you did it on purpose so everyone will like you,
all eyes on you. everyone attention on you..
wow,youvegrownupalready,somatureofyou.
sarcasticly.
i never trusted you. never !
and i feel... hopeless being your bstfriend.
you trust me with all yourlife but i never trusted you.
not after of what youve said to people.
stuffs i don feel like letting others know.
sometimes i wonder whats going on in your mind.
are you dumb or you did it on purpose so everyone will like you,
all eyes on you. everyone attention on you..
wow,youvegrownupalready,somatureofyou.
sarcasticly.
LONGLOST.
you said you will call, but you dint.
i was shock when i saw your there with everyone which you promise to call.
i............
bish you.
everything to you is "is like that wan la"
wanna know something else ?
IT IS LIKE THAT.
stop acting nice. i hate it.
gahhh...
btw,im glad you did today.
i was shock when i saw your there with everyone which you promise to call.
i............
bish you.
everything to you is "is like that wan la"
wanna know something else ?
IT IS LIKE THAT.
stop acting nice. i hate it.
gahhh...
btw,im glad you did today.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
irreplaceble.
IT HURTS. to have a feeling of missing someone.
i thought i was over it already but when you came back
and we started talkin again, the feelings seem to..
spawn back.or, SV_RESTARTROUND 1
i hope, i dont fall more deeply and faster as days pass by.
i thought i was over it already but when you came back
and we started talkin again, the feelings seem to..
spawn back.or, SV_RESTARTROUND 1
i hope, i dont fall more deeply and faster as days pass by.
BORN TO BE A LIAR ?
i thought i talked to you about it but, why is it still happening ?
im really sad for the truth that i found out.
seriously, we're spliting up dont you see ?
you went out yesterday and you never called to join.
WHAT HAPPEN MAN....
TELL ME ):
im really sad for the truth that i found out.
seriously, we're spliting up dont you see ?
you went out yesterday and you never called to join.
WHAT HAPPEN MAN....
TELL ME ):
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
erk.
i was wrong. its not you,it was me all the time.
i feel something has change. alot of changes.
i used to talk to a dozen people but now, no more. i dont know why.
i feel like, ive lost evryone.
serious shit.
now im on msn, im not talking to anyone. feels awkwrd.
like they dont know me and i dont know them.
hmmm. is there something wrong with me ? i would love to know.and ill change.
i have this thing when im losing friends. idontknowwhy
but it hurts inside.
i feel something has change. alot of changes.
i used to talk to a dozen people but now, no more. i dont know why.
i feel like, ive lost evryone.
serious shit.
now im on msn, im not talking to anyone. feels awkwrd.
like they dont know me and i dont know them.
hmmm. is there something wrong with me ? i would love to know.and ill change.
i have this thing when im losing friends. idontknowwhy
but it hurts inside.
DON TRUST ME.
thanks mom. your bitchy.
i know your stress up with your job but
THERES NO FUCKING REASON FOR YOU TO YELL AT ME OKAY.
i came back late yesterday because i went out to study,
my friend is teaching me in accounts and you know how much i suck at it.
yet you still dont wanna believe.
WHAT THE FUCK I DID TILL YOU DONT TRUST ME ?
EVER I SCAMMED YOU ?
EVER I CONNED YOU ?
all i ever did was being out to study.
DON BLAME ME.
your the one whose not letting me go to tuitions for the subjects im weak in.
YOUR NOT EVEN GOOD IN ACCOUNT. WHO THE FUCK ELSE I CAN ASK ?
even my bestfriend dont really know how to do it thats why i dint ask her.
what the fuck la. KICK ME OUT LA.
wanna give me2 tight slap ?
GIVE ME. YOU KNOW IVE DONE NOTHING WRONG
YOU KNOW I JUST PROVEN YOU WRONG AND YOU ASK ME TO SHUT UP OR YOU WILL KICK ME OUT OF THE HOUSE
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FUCKING BRAINS ?
STOP COVERING UP YOUR ASS. this aint the fucking first time.
you like to be right all the time ? BE THAT WAY THEN.
THATS WHY EVERYONE DON LIKE YOU. WONDER WHERE I GET MY STRESS FROM ?
PEOPLE SHARE APART THE SAME BLOOD AROUND ME,THATS HOW.
i really wish you could fucking change yourself mum,
STOP EMBARASSING ME. im not saying i don appreciate you;i do very much
but sometimes your over the limit and i cannot talk to you because your always fucking raising your voices for no reasons.
your trying to make me suffer every seconds.
another part, i do my job every fucking single day.
i had to cook i had to dry i hate to iron i had to fold i had to wash.
5 FUCKING DAYS AND WHAT THE FUCK MY BROTHER AND SISTER DOING ?
you even ask me to sweep the floor 12 midnight when i had to leave to my friends house. BRO AND SIS ARE PLASTIC ?
MUTHER FUCKING MOTHER.
NOTHING AT ALL.
AND YOU FUCKING YELLING AT ME. ASKING TO MAKE MYSELF USEFULL. AINT I USEFULL ENOUGH ? CANT I JUST LEPAK AROUND FOR 3 NIGHTS ? the reason why im not at home is because im at my friends place having a chitchat. we wanna catch up with each other since we dont see each other everyday. thats why i had to overnight. am i asking too much ?
IM HOME ON THE SATURDAY. only sunday im not. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT ?
DONT YOU THINK YOUR BEING UNFAIR ? I HAD TO DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF WHILE MY FUCKING BROTHER AND SISTER GO dili-deli EVERYTIME ? WHAT THE FUCKKK
IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT EVERYONE. FUCK MY FUCKING FAMILY.
DEAR GOD,
KILL ME.
AMEN.
i know your stress up with your job but
THERES NO FUCKING REASON FOR YOU TO YELL AT ME OKAY.
i came back late yesterday because i went out to study,
my friend is teaching me in accounts and you know how much i suck at it.
yet you still dont wanna believe.
WHAT THE FUCK I DID TILL YOU DONT TRUST ME ?
EVER I SCAMMED YOU ?
EVER I CONNED YOU ?
all i ever did was being out to study.
DON BLAME ME.
your the one whose not letting me go to tuitions for the subjects im weak in.
YOUR NOT EVEN GOOD IN ACCOUNT. WHO THE FUCK ELSE I CAN ASK ?
even my bestfriend dont really know how to do it thats why i dint ask her.
what the fuck la. KICK ME OUT LA.
wanna give me2 tight slap ?
GIVE ME. YOU KNOW IVE DONE NOTHING WRONG
YOU KNOW I JUST PROVEN YOU WRONG AND YOU ASK ME TO SHUT UP OR YOU WILL KICK ME OUT OF THE HOUSE
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FUCKING BRAINS ?
STOP COVERING UP YOUR ASS. this aint the fucking first time.
you like to be right all the time ? BE THAT WAY THEN.
THATS WHY EVERYONE DON LIKE YOU. WONDER WHERE I GET MY STRESS FROM ?
PEOPLE SHARE APART THE SAME BLOOD AROUND ME,THATS HOW.
i really wish you could fucking change yourself mum,
STOP EMBARASSING ME. im not saying i don appreciate you;i do very much
but sometimes your over the limit and i cannot talk to you because your always fucking raising your voices for no reasons.
your trying to make me suffer every seconds.
another part, i do my job every fucking single day.
i had to cook i had to dry i hate to iron i had to fold i had to wash.
5 FUCKING DAYS AND WHAT THE FUCK MY BROTHER AND SISTER DOING ?
you even ask me to sweep the floor 12 midnight when i had to leave to my friends house. BRO AND SIS ARE PLASTIC ?
MUTHER FUCKING MOTHER.
NOTHING AT ALL.
AND YOU FUCKING YELLING AT ME. ASKING TO MAKE MYSELF USEFULL. AINT I USEFULL ENOUGH ? CANT I JUST LEPAK AROUND FOR 3 NIGHTS ? the reason why im not at home is because im at my friends place having a chitchat. we wanna catch up with each other since we dont see each other everyday. thats why i had to overnight. am i asking too much ?
IM HOME ON THE SATURDAY. only sunday im not. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT ?
DONT YOU THINK YOUR BEING UNFAIR ? I HAD TO DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF WHILE MY FUCKING BROTHER AND SISTER GO dili-deli EVERYTIME ? WHAT THE FUCKKK
IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT EVERYONE. FUCK MY FUCKING FAMILY.
DEAR GOD,
KILL ME.
AMEN.
Monday, April 27, 2009
friends
i realize these days,
you guys are always out. no i dont mind BUT you guys are always out without calling ME out.
i dont know whether its me or you but im sure its you. we used to hang out almost every single day. not every single day, but, you guys will call me out too. but now, i feel really sad when i called to ask where were you guys and when you tell me where you were and who was there ;
kills me inside. why arent i there together ? do you actually hate me ? we've been hanging out for 4 freaking years and all of this suddenly happen. AND I WANNA KNOW WHY.
is it cause of you and her past ? or because...the people i started hanging with ? comeon, you guys do know only weekends i hang with them right ? their my bitches and we don hang all the time. not on fridays either. we only stayed over each others house so we could catch up with each other. doesnt mean that,we cant hang together anymore ? i feel fucking neglected.
if its her, why cant you just let go the past ? sheve change a hell lot and she done nothing right now. shes even afraid you guys might not like her thats why she don dare to follow us.
how you expect me to hang with 2 groups who spilted and now not talkingto each other ?
eventhough you guys don like her, ITS HER. NOT ME. ive done nothing wrong to you guys.
i actually MISS YOU GUYS till i really wanna see you guys on the spot but i know thats not possible. i purposely wanted to call you guys out for a drink ccause HELL YEAH I MISS YOU GUYS. but when i called, makes me think twice wether i should call you guys or not.
seriously, if thats your problem, MAKE IT YOUR PROBLEM cause the others have done nothing wrong; don bring the others DOWN WITH YOU. it seriously hurt okay, ive know you guys for 3-4 freaking years and i dont expect us to break. we know our true colours and we dint hated each other yet we love each other.
and to some, if you dont really like us for i-dont-know-what-we-did, do you think we have really chagne ? okay,maybe abit but, think properly, whose the one whose backstabbing us ? you know us for 3-4 years and some when they were 9yrdold. you should know how their pattern is like right ? all of a sudden you start talking. WE HAVE CHANGE OR YOU HAVE CHANGE ?
you think your perfect but i can say is,YOUR NOT. AND NOBODY IS. and for others, i dont know how the hell we break up like that. its like, from 1 group, we broke to 3 groups. what happen ? i heard from one of you is because a message we smsed you guys.
what did i ever said to you guys ? i never once message you all. i seriously dont know what you thinking, making stories up becoming a coverline ? seriously.
and you, you used to come over my place after your work at 6. and few times have dinner at my plce. what had happen la ? i really wanna know.
and also you, you always call me to play L4D together in autumn,we played till 7am morning and fetch me back, what happen to that now ? you dint even call me out when you were out.iseriously dont know la okay.tell me ! if its cause of other people, LET IT BE YOUR PROBLEM,NOT OTHERS,don avoid from people you had fun with before.from 20 people, we left 5 people. wheres the other 15 people ?
ALL GROWN UP TILL YOU FORGET WHO WERE YOUR FRIENDS.
i just wanna know the truth from you guys. why are you people neglecting us ? pushing us away.
after the times we've been through together, we've talk cock and laugh ALTOGETHER.
the holidays we've spend together. everything together. and i seriously treat you guys as my brother. ill be there when you need me,talk to me and ill listen and I AM ALWAYS AT YOUR SIDE.
i really wanna hang with you guys. i really wanna be apart of you guys too. i never wanted us tosplit.
you are my only people i have in my life and ill keep that forever. i have no other friends as understand as you guys. you are my only ones. i have no .... just let us break like that.
i seriuosly love you guys. now, tomorrow and FOREVER.
LONG LIVE SECOND FAMILY !
love you guys so much. never regreted anything till now.
you guys are always out. no i dont mind BUT you guys are always out without calling ME out.
i dont know whether its me or you but im sure its you. we used to hang out almost every single day. not every single day, but, you guys will call me out too. but now, i feel really sad when i called to ask where were you guys and when you tell me where you were and who was there ;
kills me inside. why arent i there together ? do you actually hate me ? we've been hanging out for 4 freaking years and all of this suddenly happen. AND I WANNA KNOW WHY.
is it cause of you and her past ? or because...the people i started hanging with ? comeon, you guys do know only weekends i hang with them right ? their my bitches and we don hang all the time. not on fridays either. we only stayed over each others house so we could catch up with each other. doesnt mean that,we cant hang together anymore ? i feel fucking neglected.
if its her, why cant you just let go the past ? sheve change a hell lot and she done nothing right now. shes even afraid you guys might not like her thats why she don dare to follow us.
how you expect me to hang with 2 groups who spilted and now not talkingto each other ?
eventhough you guys don like her, ITS HER. NOT ME. ive done nothing wrong to you guys.
i actually MISS YOU GUYS till i really wanna see you guys on the spot but i know thats not possible. i purposely wanted to call you guys out for a drink ccause HELL YEAH I MISS YOU GUYS. but when i called, makes me think twice wether i should call you guys or not.
seriously, if thats your problem, MAKE IT YOUR PROBLEM cause the others have done nothing wrong; don bring the others DOWN WITH YOU. it seriously hurt okay, ive know you guys for 3-4 freaking years and i dont expect us to break. we know our true colours and we dint hated each other yet we love each other.
and to some, if you dont really like us for i-dont-know-what-we-did, do you think we have really chagne ? okay,maybe abit but, think properly, whose the one whose backstabbing us ? you know us for 3-4 years and some when they were 9yrdold. you should know how their pattern is like right ? all of a sudden you start talking. WE HAVE CHANGE OR YOU HAVE CHANGE ?
you think your perfect but i can say is,YOUR NOT. AND NOBODY IS. and for others, i dont know how the hell we break up like that. its like, from 1 group, we broke to 3 groups. what happen ? i heard from one of you is because a message we smsed you guys.
what did i ever said to you guys ? i never once message you all. i seriously dont know what you thinking, making stories up becoming a coverline ? seriously.
and you, you used to come over my place after your work at 6. and few times have dinner at my plce. what had happen la ? i really wanna know.
and also you, you always call me to play L4D together in autumn,we played till 7am morning and fetch me back, what happen to that now ? you dint even call me out when you were out.iseriously dont know la okay.tell me ! if its cause of other people, LET IT BE YOUR PROBLEM,NOT OTHERS,don avoid from people you had fun with before.from 20 people, we left 5 people. wheres the other 15 people ?
ALL GROWN UP TILL YOU FORGET WHO WERE YOUR FRIENDS.
i just wanna know the truth from you guys. why are you people neglecting us ? pushing us away.
after the times we've been through together, we've talk cock and laugh ALTOGETHER.
the holidays we've spend together. everything together. and i seriously treat you guys as my brother. ill be there when you need me,talk to me and ill listen and I AM ALWAYS AT YOUR SIDE.
i really wanna hang with you guys. i really wanna be apart of you guys too. i never wanted us tosplit.
you are my only people i have in my life and ill keep that forever. i have no other friends as understand as you guys. you are my only ones. i have no .... just let us break like that.
i seriuosly love you guys. now, tomorrow and FOREVER.
LONG LIVE SECOND FAMILY !
love you guys so much. never regreted anything till now.
RAWR 2
naw, this aint my new blog. this is a private blog. not exactly private, its just for me to spam what i feel. in easy form, its for me to bitch about. so yeah, don link this up if you found this blog thank you.
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